fuck. life is out of control. my grades went from all 90 and down to failing in precal and all. i don't know what 2 do. i am just fucked up. my friend told my counselor about my ed and my counselor called me up and i had no way to lie. i mean she called me up and i went she asked me questions and i lied and got away but then she called my friend up and everything spilled out. my counselor didn't force me to tell my parents. however i had to go to a doctor for severe stomach ache and my friends all forced me to tell my doctor. i mean my parents would have found out through my doc or my counselor. so near the end i worked up my guts to ask to talk 2 my doctor in private w/o my mom. i told the doctor that i don't actually eat that much b/c i had like outlined my so called eating a few minutes so she could figure out if i am getting a stomach ach due to some food. i told her that i only eat dinner b/c my parents make me and that i never fell hungry and that this is b/c of stress and just that i can't eat much w/o feeling sick. she asked me if i had eaten a full meal recently and i said no and then she told me about how dangerous it was and all. then she told me she would have to tell my parents and that i should have told her before b/c she might have given me a wrong drug and all. then she asked me if i wanted to tell my mom or tell it together. she told me to just tell my mom the basics then she came in and was like to my mom she is having a lot of stress. she asked me how much i sleep and my mom was like she barely sleeps and my doc was like u need to sleep at least 7 hours and i told her i don't feel sleepy at all. so she was like do u feel anxiety and all. i was like yeah when i see food and all. then she took out this weight chart and was like you can go up to 130 lbs without being overweight. and she told me that i should be around 115 and 120. and i gave her a look asking her if she was kidding me and she was like at least need to be 104 but we will work that out later. and i tild her about my counselor finding out and she was like well let her talk to your parents. she was indian to so she was like your mom and i grew up in india so we won't be able to relate that well to the culture here and that my counselor would be better to talk 2 my parents. than she told me my periods stopping and everything was due to this and my stomach ache and that if i ate even a bit more than normal i would feel like this since my stomach wasn't used to it. my mom seemed kind of okay with it which suprised me. than my doc told me she was giving me meds for my anxiety and that it should help my self esteem but it would take some time. however it is lexapro and i found out on the internet that it would cause me to gain weight for no apprent reason due to the pill so i am throwing them away everyday now. i went to school and my mom told me to ask for a meeting with my counselor for them so i did since the counselor called me. i told her and she was really happy for me and and called them for a meeting. my mom and dad stopped at the doc to ask her what they should talk 2 the counselor about and the doc apparently told them that it was usual for them to deal with this stuff. so they came and was thinking of making a run for it but my counselor was to adamant and she called the nurse as well. so they told my parents how they were concerned about me and they discussed the reasons and that it might be me starting an eating disorder and all. the counselor asked me if there were any classes i wanted to get out of. and i told her pre cal. she tried me to get me out of my AP classes but i wanted them. they told my parents that if they wanted they had some counselors who were specialized in eating disorders and that it would help. they gave my parents some other info and all. the counsleor told my parents that they would keep an eye on me just b/c they are concerned. the doctor also said that i might try going to a psychologist. i could never do that b/c i f i wanted to talk about my feelings then i would have to tell them things and i if i told them things i would be in a hospital before i could blink my eyes. i mean they know i have anorexia but i am also purge, cut, overdose, and have total suicidal thoughts and all. i am at a loss of what 2 do. my mom is know lecturing me about how i am ruining my own health and she is telling everyone and my doctor wants to see me in a month and my mom keeps on trying to make me eat and my world isn't getting better. my parents talked to me if there were any stress at home this morning but haven't directly talked about it. my doctor was like i know you have heard of anorexia and i don't want you to have it and was like people who get real bad have to go to the hospital and that is a major thing in the children's hospital here. i told my doctor and my counselor and parents b/c i didn't have a choice but that doesn't mean i want to get better. i am happy right now and don't want to eat more. i am losing control and too many people know and i  didn't go to this major party b/c i am claustrophobic. my blood results have to still come back and i am scared my doc will know i am purging if i have low potassium or something. i was 97 at the doctors but that was b/c of all the water i drank. i am like 90 right now and i want to be 88 next time i go to the doctor. the doc was really nice and told me i looked beautiful and hugged me. also she told my mom to watch me eat my meal and told me that my mind was going to tell me not to eat and all. people know and that scares me. never in my life have i let stuff out and still they only know 1/5 of what is going on now. i am scared that now that a small piece of my wall has broke the rest of it will crumble down as well. the lexapro made me real sleepy and refreshed me but i can't take it or i will gain weight. i want to be called anorexic and i want to have a reason to just kill myself i am out of control and i can't be perfect so just end it all. i am scared and losing control to ana. she is controlling me and i am eating and vomiting everything. so i throw up nearly 3 times a day. i have overdose a least 4 times with 15 ibu in the last 2 months and on tylenol with 18 pills which is 500mg each and it is messed up. i just want to end it all but if i live i can't explain my feelings so i haven't done anything yet. well i am going to be at least 90 on the docs scales in one month. i need to do it. this means more excersice and no sleep. i want to be perfect. this week is going to be hell so i am just really worried. anyway 2 more weeks before thanksgiving break.. well g2g. bye.  

okay shit. i just got soo freaking pissed at my dad. he caleed me selfish, useless and many things. then he told me to just get out of there. so i am still deciding whether or not to get out of this just all together or not. i took a hot scalding bath and did more than 30 cuts. it feels good now. i cut my right hip into square and diamond shapes. then did like 3 really deep ones on top of it all. i don't know how much more shit i can take. i mean my dad is just taking all his anger and tension out on me. why can't he just get a fucking job in oregan but he is trying to get one here. fuck him. i kind of right now don't care if he knows about my ed but know what is better for me. well i am gonig to overdose and cut more tonight. also i need to purge some now. well this guy we know is going to college tom for freshman year so we wished him good bye. i am sick of my dad tellng me what to eat where to go what to do and trying to control me. wtf? wtf? next week i am definetly going to "accidentally" cut my palm as deep as i can go while acting like i am cutting an apple or something. hope my dad get's health insurance before then b/c i don't care if he has to pay 5,000 bucks. i need to go deep and still not let anyone know anything. i am sick and tired. i am totally for some random reson getting really dizzy and all. i had like 100 calories today so not bad at all. still want to make it 50 or less daily. well i hula hooped for 25 min. so 250 cals burned. then dance so 150 cals or more. well i guess that is okay. well i hope i faint os something and think i will. i had total shortness of breath and just couldn't breathe at the friends house. i will be at dance and kd from 3 to 10 tomorrow so i can get out dinner and break fast. i mean dinner is the hardest one to get out of with my parents and all. well i will burn like 400 cals or more in dance so yay! well i have dance on sat. and sun. so i can burn like 500 cals in each class or probably more since they are like 2 hours each. well i think i will just do the accidental cut next week. well g2g. bye!

so i just came back from kd and i am a bit more awake now. i had like a cookie and like a cake(purged) there. then i had like 4 or 3 raviolis. so i had like 250 calories around. well i think i am just going to hula hoop. also it was soo freakybut we went to drop of a friend at her house and stepped in for like 5 min. near the end i was like just so faint. i mean shortness of breath and all. i was like "relax you freaking person and breathe". well it was like that till we reached home. don't know why that happened. anyway i had to much fat today. i still need to dispose of some raviollis and an egg. it was just so scary almost passing out at the doc's. that would have been just hell. i have dance class on saturday and sunday so twice in a week to see my old doc. that will be fun. i don't know why but i am just not feeling well so i am going to be a bit more careful. i am just so tired, sleepy, and so much more today. just don't know what to think and all. anyway i have scedule pick up tom which will be fun(not). anyway i am going to be 87 before school starts. well sis's b-day is this friday. i just want to sleep but i have to hula hoop or i am not going to be able to sleep. i feel like shit so much! i just wish i could fast forward into like when i am in college or when i have a job. i hate this! well g2g go do excersice. bye.

Current Mood: blank

oh shit! i got a fucking low score on my SAT i mean they haven't graded the essay yet but still. yeah my score might like more then 2100 if i did well on my essay, but i still am not sure. shit! shit! anyway what else! um i had to take the SAT from like 8:30 in the morning to like 1:00 PM. then i had to go to school to volunteer than found out it was canceled so had to wait for my dad. then i lied to my parents that i had cake at school and all and got out of lunch. breakfast was easy to get out of since mom wasn't awake. dinner is going to be a bit harder to skip but will try. also i ate like less than 40 calories the last two days but today i already had like 80 or 90 calories. shit! well i might just eat a bit more today. i feel sick and i slept for a while on the couch downstairs and after i got up i was dizzy and blanked out for like nearly a minute. we had to pick up my mom's friend and her two kids from the airport. then i have kd again at 7 to 9. shit i am soo fucking tired. i have to go to schedule pick up tom and i just don't want to. i want to go to school so i can start losing more lbs. we are having a puja in my house right before school starts. i have to wear a freaking half-sari. i mean i am going to look so horrible and ugly with my huge stomach and all. shit that is going to be hell. i think i am like 89 or 89.5 now. i weighted myself but i just had like a whole bottle of diet coke so that probably changed it. well i still haven't done my homework yet. i feel like just sleeping right now and not going. also my mom cut her hand yesterday on this can and that gave me an idea. next week i am going to "accidentally" cut my hand. i just need to cut real deep, just need to more than want to. i am going to make it deep enough to get stichtes maybe. i don't know why i need to cut after so long of not doing it. maybe b/c i just hate the fact that my dad is going to work here instead of traveling. i can't get away with out eating when he is there. anyway i am planning on taking so many clubs that i have to stay late in the evening in school. then i can just have an excuse that i ate out. i just can't stand eating. the less i eat the happier i am. even though the 2468 is supposed to help i am freaked out to eat even 200 calories. i mean today i am probably going to have to purge all of it. i wore these brown kind of boxer pants and i mean i looked soo huge in them. i mean they were falling of but whenever i looked at myself on the front of those black dorrs which act like mirrors i looked like an elephant of something. also when i went to school these soccer girls were there and all of them looked anorexic and just soo freaking skinny. i mean seriously i was freaking out wondering if they were making fun of me for being such a fatso. well my weight officially makes me anoreic but seriously i don't get how someone this huge be the weight of an anorexic person. oh my gosh i just want to cut soo badly right now. well i have the stuff to fix it if i need to so maybe i will. i am tired and exhausted i think maybe me not eating like 200 cal be the reason. i usually have like atleast 200, but i dropped my intake and all. i don't think i am going to wear these pants ever again. also the class i took the SAT was soo cold. i mean my fingers turned totally yello and my nails were blue. also these small cuts came on my hand near my nail and that is b/c either my fingers were dry or just b/c it is cold. anyway i got the diet coke to rehydrate myself b/c i felt like fainting after the test and knew i was dehydrated. also i had to pick up my sis's physical form from the doctors and i seriously cried b/c i looked horribly fat on the door like mirror. anyway i felt so tired i tought i was going to faint when getting the form. that would have been hell. i mean seriously fainting in the doc's office is as bad as it gets. anyway thank god i didn't. i think i will eat like a bit more today and then go back to as low as i can tom. well lunch will be easy to get out of and maybe breakfast too, but will see. well g2g to kd now, bye!

Current Mood: tired

today went okay. i was studying for SAT test tom all day. i ate like a bite of rice with a bit of corn. then i had grapes and cantelope which are negative calorie food. i took allegra d yesterday and it made me real weak and dizzy so i slept a lot today. well family went out part of day. let's see what else. i had like 40 calories at the most today. i have an egg and banana in my room to be disposed of in the toilet. hate having to waste food but parents make me. i want to be 87 before school starts and am 90 now. also i have mentioned this before but i just feel soo suicidal today. i haven't cut at all but probably will tonight. i mean i cut soo much like 60 times last 3 days. i also purged with blood coming out and all. my body temp is like 97.5 at the most. and i am haivng random shaking hands a lot. i am also soo dizzy but the emptiness today feels soo good. well parents want me to get a fucking 2100 or more tom on the SAT. wtf? i just want to kill myself but at the same time want to live. i just want to get out of this ed but don't think i could survive w/o it. i apparently have 14% of body fat. that is horrible! i am going to have less than 6%. my thighs are just sooo ugly and all. i am scared to go to the doc b/c she will so tell my parents and then my life will be total fucking damn hell. i am soo lost and scared. just so alone. i feel numb. i just wish i could take soo many pills that i could escape forever but am scared i will live and have to face people stares and looks. i am scared that my life will be in the open. i am scared to sleep everynight b/c of what is soon to come. i am scared i will be horrible in school. i am scared i will be alone. i am just so scared of everything. i wish everything was in the open so i wouldn't have to lie and fake soo much. but then i couldn't reach my goal. i want to be in the 70s one day. anyway i don't have to go to the doc anytime soon so thank god. anyway i g2g study a bit more. i am going to do an hour of hula hoop so 600 calorie burned. i will most likely purge dinner so i will burn like 500 more calories. yay! well i am going to stay up till 12 but i have a test so not too late. anyway g2g bye!

 i cut in the morning like 10 times all kind of deep so it totally bled through the gauze and all. well anyway i have a slight fever right now and i should be asleep. so this is random but i feel like taking allegra d for some reason. i mean i just want to feel weak and all and it will make me. i just don't know why. but i don't think that is a good idea b/c i might then have to go to the doc and i also have dt 2 on monday so i need to study. well what else? i did a page of vocab right now. my family not including me when to this puja and i got to skip it. i usually enjoy it but i got time to myslef. anyway i think i will take the med and i need to sleep so bye! xoxo

so we had to wake up at like 4:30 in the morning to do passport crap and we finally finished it. i went to kd at 9 to 11. i have to take the 2nd diagnostic test on monday. that is going to be horrible as usual. so my dad gave a lecture to me all the way to kd. well g2g. bye!

my family was going to go to the gym but ended up having to do some passport crap so didn't go. i am going to do dance and like 2 hours of hula hoop no matter what today. i am going to a friends house later. anyway i cut like 10 times pretty deep over yesterday's cuts so it hurt but felt good. i am still a fucking 90 lbs. once school starts though i will be dropping like hell again. hopefully! anyway i am pretty sure they won't stop proanorexia hopefully. so this is random but i totally have the perfect personality that anorexic people do so i mean that will help my doc if she tries to firgure it out. anyway i am pretty excited about school which is random but i just need to get away from my family. also a few friends are going to this party for a friends who is leaving for tams. we don't really know her but still she is leaving so. anyway i might not go b/c my sis has a birthday the same day. well hopefully my dressing on my cuts doesn't leak but i might wear different shorts b/c mine are white and all. well g2g. bye! also i had like 25 calories so far at the most! xoxo

today was just a rush. i went to the gym at like 11:30 and burnt like 250 calories. then at like 3:30 i had dance class and i burnt like 300 calories. then my mom took my sis, my friends and me to a bakery. me and my sis ate a huge cake together but she ended up eating it all. i had like a small bite. then i had to wait in kd from 5:45 to 7:00. my class was at 7:00 to 9:00. i finished vocab and crap. then a friend i was supposed to come with came at 6:45. i came home at like 10. so i was out from like 3:30 to 10:00 so like 6 and a half hours. well dance went okay. i had a chapathi for lunch and threw the other away. thn had a bit of cake at bakery. then for dinner i had a mini salad, tomato soup and a bit of snack. so in total i had less than 200 calories. well i am going to do the 2460 diet. so tom i a have to have 400. right now i am drinking like 2 bottles of water. also i cut in the morning for no reason. i have a intutive feeling that someone in my family died or something. i am just really anxious and all. so what else? i just changed the dressing of my cut. the blood soaked through like 7 layers of sterile pads. not too deep so i am okay. also i thinki laready wrote this but i am going to get a pocket knife before school starts so i can cut deeper yay! wow i sound pathetic. anyway, my family is having this puja in my house before school starts so my mom is using that as a reason to not let me cut my hair. w/e i am cutting it. also i am going to have to wear a half-sari and show my fatso stomach. eww! that is my reason to get my stomach in shape and all flat. i am going to look good in that dress for once. well i still have to do an hour of hula hoop but don't feel like it. maybe i will skip it today. i will just fall asleep with music. shit i still have to read the books for school. i have to make up a class on saturday and i have to do a full length sat test on monday. well what else? other than the fact that the blood is really soaking through the bandaid in a matter of minutes nothing else. i am still scared of my parents finding out. i haven't gotten an email ack from my doc. well i sent her one from a fake email account and made it sound way different from and all so i am just waiting for that. i just told her all these lies and asked about her policy of whether she will tell my parents or not and all the shit and stuff. i don't think i have an appt anytime soon so i think i will wait g2g

so my family came back at like 4 or 5 today and it went okay. it wasn't that great b/c my parents were fighting a lot. so i burnt a lot with all the walking, swimming and all. well i had to eat ith my parents and that was hell. i also had a few panic attacks due to not having my razor. also i convinced my mom to buy me a pocket knife so i cut deeper well she doesn't need to know that but still. i am excited also i am going to get a hair cut soon. and i think i might have a doc appt soon so freaked out like hell. also i just had dinner so i am going to purge all that and i will end up haivng like 250 or 300 calories at the most today. also i am planning on using my insomnia to my advantage and staying up all night and hula hooping till like 4 in the morning. i have dance, and kd tom so i am really annoyed. but still time to get out of lunch and maybe dinner. so i am going to cut deep b/c things happenend yesterday and i need to forget them all. also all these guys were checking me out at the water park and my whole family was there. kind of starnge but no one else noticed much. i mean this guy was like looking me up and down and was like wanna hang? and i was ike right and just ignored him. i mean he was with his friends who were also staring at me. what the heck i looked like a fat hog in my shorts and shirt. i was wearing these cute blue mini shorts which are the bottom of my swimsuit. i mean how could they even bear to look at me when all these freaking skinny beautiful girls were there. all these gorgeous girls were there and i felt like taking my belt of the roller coaster at the top and jumping off just thinking about them. but i managed to bur like 400 calories or more just in the wave pool trying to keep afloat at the deep end. and like 800 calories totally burned that day probably. then yesterday was hell with my mom and dad screaming at each other but they are like totally okay now. i had like a bit of candy, fruits, a few fries, and tots but like only 2 tots. hen i had this shake but i purged that all. so i had like less than 200 calories if i purge dinner now. i wish i had a pocket knife right now more than ever and no one in the house. i am scared to how my parents will react to my ed if they find out i mean they are indian so don't know. my doc is so going to tell them and then i can go throw myself in front of the tracks near there or maybe into the traffic. shit i have dance on sat with my old doc since i am going to an adults one now so my whole family has the same doc. my old doc would probably better about the ed but i don't know much about the new on. she seems okay but i am soo scared  i will like faint or something during class but i kind of hope i will i just want everything out in the open so i can stop hiding behind my mask which is craking and soon a flood will drown me. i know i am crazy but i don't mind. i am going ot be honest i don't want to die and i am not suicidal but  ido have urges to cut and starve but that is to be perfect and cope. i have plans for my future and i will do what i want with my life. my life my body my rules. so what else? i need to go purge and i got out of eating much due to a fake stomach ach. well i need to purge then convince my mom about the haircut for this week. stupid indian culture i just hate some of the things in it like no boyfriend, no life, no mini skirts and so much more shit. my mom won't even let me put on makeup and all. well like i listen to her. just 2 and half more years till i am free and i can get my belly button pierced and my nose(maybe) and a second ear piercing and maybe a tattoo. well i am excited about school but kind of worried at the same time but i am going to jjoin many activities and just stay late and all and volunteer at this old age home. that wil be interesting. well got work to do (smiles mischeviously and rubs hands together). xoxo

Addiction


It's a cycle so vicious, no-one ever wins.
It starts with self-hate.
And ends up so much worse.
It's and addiction, so hard to break.
I started it to escape.
From the world and all its realities.
After not to long,
I started looking for a way out.
From the tool I use to escape.
It's an addiction so hard to break.
It may not be the most ideal way,
Of coping with life.
But at the time It was all I could get.
I grasped it with both hands.
But when I wanted to let go,
It had over me a strong hold,
With almost no way out.
It's an addiction so hard to break.



poem by got_2_be_thin

so i am in the car on the way to little rock, ar and we are either going to an amusement park or water park. i am using the wireless stuff. well i haven't checked my weight but i am sure to gain b/c my parents are there so i can't throw stuff out or purge. ugh i hate trips like this. i wish morepeople came with us. i have been chatting for a few min. well i am determined to be87 when school starts. well i might lose some weightb/c of all th walking and stuff, hopefully. i nearly had a panic attack when i remembered that i forgot my razor used to cut. i just like to take it if i need it. g2g. bye. almost there. i am excited. xoxo

i am soo bored and just tired. my friends and i had a sleep over yesterday and slept around 3:30 in the morning. i had dance class today and i did horrible as usual. seriously i don't think i should go anymore i am just so horrible at it. i mean all this fat is bouncing and jiggling and i am like the fattest totally in my group. i am not even kidding like all the other girls in my group are like sticks and just beautiful. well my trip to san diego has been canceled like expected. fuck my parents. seriously i wish they send me to boarding school where i can starve myself w/o having ppl stick there nose in everything. i have to go to the gym at 6 but it is like 1 right now. i burned like 300 calories in dance. then i burned 400 calories in hula hoop. so like 700 calories in total. then i ate like manchuri, rice, and like half a paratha. so like 500 calories at the most. i am doing the 2468 tom and  really don't care what the fuck my mom says. i am soo pissed at her. i so want to cut but am scared i will be found. also i am a fucking 92.5 lbs now so i should seriously get my ass in shape. there was soo much darkness in 7th grade and that darkness is creeping up and pulling me in once more. i can almost envision it and it is scaring me. the numbness was the worst it came right after the darkness swallowed me. i got so lost then. my ed and SI started then. i am soo sure my doc will figure it out if i have another visit. also i might get to go to turbo kickbox classes in the gym. soo many calories will be burned. also i forgot to mention i had a slight fever all through dance class and i nearly fainted in class. well that would seriously be hell if i did b/c my doc is in my dance class. shit that would totally give it away. i need to be careful about it. i kind of want everything to be in the open and for them to know but my parents would freak and i would have to face much more shit then i already do. i just want them to and i want help b/c i am scared about that darkness coming back. g2g. xoxo

well dad is going to phoenix for a project and this means some air to breath thank god. i love him but he is just soo annyonig and just makes me feel horrible and all. well i went to the gym and burned aroung 200 are more calories. around 250. then i took care of these twins for like an hour so burned like another 100 calories there. well i ate like a bite of ice cream, jello, rice, a bit of maggi (noodles), some chat stuff for dinner (yuck too many calories), snacks. so that is around 300 calories in all. well hopefully i burned more than that so i am okay for now. dad is leaving tom morning. i am going to eat as less as i can tom or maybe the 2468 for a while. i will decide tonight. anyway i am kind of okay but just feeling down fo no reason. ugh depression stinks. i mean i should be happy but no i am sad for absolutely no apparent reason. i am soo pathetic but i wish that my doc would find out about my ed and just not tell my parents. i mean i would stop freaking out soo much about the doc then or maybe i would freak out more but i am just soo scared of my parents knowing. they would think i am crazy and belong in the loony bin.  i can't stand to see them reject me i think that would be the last strw for everything. i feel soo pathetic b/c i haven't had any real issues but my extra sensitivity makes me so gulible for everything and just messes me up. i just want someone 2 figure it out and help me dig myself ut of the mess i have created. the endless lies and the the torture i face everyday when i see food or step on the scale, or the war in my head that keeps me restless at night. i am just sick of it all. g2g bye.

well it is exactly 1 AM right now. i biked a few miles today and ate around 350 calories or less. well i ate like 125 calories at the puja tonight. i had a small sundae which was like 50 calories since i purged it. then chocolate and snacks so like 125. so more like 300 calories today. well i burned about that much biking and all so i am okay. i am still exactly 90. i got in several fights with my mom and my dad pretty much told me that he doesn't care if i died. so i spent much of my time today deciding of what would happen if i tried to kill myself and came out alive. i thought about everyone's reactions and what they would do and all. well i have so much to plan if i do commit suicide. i am truly not scared to but i want to make it look like an accident so if i do live it won't be to bad. i am planning on slitting both my wrists. i will also over dose and maybe try to cut the fat of my thighs as a last attempt to become thin. well i truly can not make it look like an accident so my best hope is that i do die. too much planning. i have to make sure no one is home and that my family will be out for a while. i am not sure i will leave a note or anything. well anyway i will plan more later. i am going to try to sleep. probably won't have much luck. xoxo

this was a poem in tiny_tessa's journal. i really loved it so i am copying it on here. tiny_tessa if u see it i am sorry i used it but i really love this poem! xoxo

When you need to be the best
So you can look into approving eyes
You will break all boundaries
Just to prove something
You ARE thin. 
No one can blame you for anything.
Youve done no wrong. 
You shouldnt be shamed for wanting to be your best.
Your parents beat you. 
So you find ways around to escape the fear instilled within you just by their very presence.
Youre not hungry you tell them. 
Its all a game. 
You tell yourself its for thin to change the fact that theres something wrong.
You were hurt. 
The truth is, no matter what anyone tells you, 
you think to yourself, there really is no help for me. 
No one will fucking understand, why bother...
So you shake your head and sigh. "Im FINE."
And you want to be alive.
 you want more than anything to feel the fullness of 
So you start something new when not eating becomes boring. Soon, it is a habit.
Theres nothing anyone can do to stop you. 
No one is brave enough to ask you anyways. 
You pretend everything is ok by eating in front of them.
Thats ok, because theyre pretending too.
You think to yourself, "ok, no ones noticing, and im getting thinner. I must be doing something wrong."
You fret and worry and avoid your boyfriend because when he hugs you he might feel that new bulge acquired from your previous binge.
Your boyfriend worries. You start new things. Better things. 
Any pill that could make you appear thinner in the slightest.
Whatever it takes.
Its then, and only then, that people start to notice.
"oh my gawd, it must be working!" you say to yourself.
Theres even less help for you than when you started.
And to you, the mirror is the same. Youre still fat!
Worthless, piece of crap. Who could love a fat person?
Who could find this double chin attractive?!?
And of course, you relish at the thought of that hole in the middle of your thighs that appears when  you sit and touch your knees together growing bigger and bigger.
Your boyfriend leaves you.
Your best friend doesnt speak to you anymore.
Your reflections are getting bigger.
"maybe, if I get thinner, theyll want to hang around me more."
Youre getting weaker. 
You cant even stand up without getting a massive wave of nausea anymore...
"that must mean its working." says you.
One day, this girl comes up to you.
The jealous girl, the girl who notices things.
This one comment she says, its just one of the triggers that send you over the edge.
She says "did you gain weight?"
Why?!?
And you think its true. NO, you KNOW its true.
When you get home that day, and walk into your room turn the music up to blaring, you fall to your soft bed and weep.
And you cry, sobbing for everything youve become that you used to scowl at, and for what you miss of your old self. 
The person who loved eating and could eat without fear.
Now, mirrors and scales are your worst enemy.
This is what ive become?

today was pretty okay. i hung out with friends and helped one organize her closet and shit like that. we tried to walk 2 some restaurant but it was burning so i burned like 50 calories and ended up not going. then we ate ice cream cake i ate a bit of frosting so like 25 calories or like 30. then i had dance so i burned like 300 calories with 2 hours. then i ate pizza for dinner and purged it all. i did hula hoop for like 10 min and burned another 100 calories or so. i ate rice in the morning for breakfast so like 50 calories. with snacks and stuff it will be like 150 calories or something like that. well i am going to go biking tom and buy some sour candy in the store cause i am soo craving sour and if i don't get that i will eat too much of other stuff which is not good. well anyway today has been a pretty great day so i am happy and all. my parents are still being horrible but i have been able to avoid them and all. we might go to san antonio this weekend and i am dying to get away from this city. well my doc called when i wasn't home so i really don't know when my next appt is and whether i even have one b/c i don't want to ask and give any hints about being anxious and all. i am soo scared to go i mean i couldn't get my weight to be more than 92 this morning i mean i can add weight with water and clothes but it wouldn't work today. it would stay at 90 so i am happy but at the same time scared. my mom said that i have an appt in a month so don't know if that is true and all. ugh i hate being soo worried about the future. well if the doc finds out i will have to find some way to make sure she doesn't tell my parents and i think i will totally use the i am stressed and have been upset with some lie excuse. i mean i think i know what i am going to say but still i am scared. what if she guesses. why can't the world leave me and my goals alone. why do they want to stop me. it is not like i am killing myself and even if i want to they have no right to interfere. well it is like 1 now so g2g and sleep. i am dying to get a hair cut and i will really soon. well anyway i think i am getting lower ab muscles and it is kind of strange. and size 1 is a perfect fit for me but i want to be either 0 or 00. i am dying to be that. well g2g. bye.

okay i was real bored today. i ate 1 and a small bit of a mexican pizza. today is my 800 day and it went okay. i had dance class in plano and that went okay. it was kind of just ugh. i mean i am not too good at it so pretty much i stink and all. well then i came home and i just ate and watched tv. today was just a boring day i didn't do any excersice but dance. i also went to my friends house who just came back. oh i almost forgot since tom i am going to try to eat less than 200 calories i found a way to get out of dinner. i told my mom i am going to burger king after kd sat class tom. this mean no dinner. i can always get out of breakfast but lunch will be a bit harder. i will do it though. i have had 700 calories today so i an going eat something before bed to get to 800. well i just got a huge lecture from my dad on the phone and i didn't listen but heard him call me a loser, worthless, hopeless, and lot more. i really don't know what he was talking about b/c i stopped listening as soon as he started talking. i really wish he doesn't come back from his job this weekend and stays a few more weeks. or i hope he gets a project in like new york or california or somewhere a bit far away from here. i can't stand it! my sis got a 75 on a test and my parents are all happy and even though i get straight A's my parents are like why can u get all 97 and above. what the fuck? i am fucking 15 and i don't have a cell phone and my dad is like since ur sis passed her test why don't we give her a cell phone. my sis is like 11. what the fuck? well this clearly shows me who my parents prefer. so pretty much my dad called me to sit there and tell me indirectly that he doesn't give a fuck about me and wants me to go shoot myself or something. my parents don't know how close they are to pushing me over the ledge. i try so hard to avid talking to my dad but he is an asshole who thinks that i should ruin all my fun and happpiness to make sure he is happy. today on the phone he was like u shoudln't do what u want u should do things to make me happy. so pretty much he wants me to be the perfect little girl and listen to what my parents say. what the hell do they think i am a little doll they can play games with? i have my own wishes and dreams. my parents act like they give a lot to me but what the heck have they given me. a laptop which they use and don't let me use much, no cell phone, won't let me decorate my room unless i know everyhing i want to the tiniest detail, and now they are trying to stop me from being close to some of my friends. that is enough they have meddled enough with my pathetic life. i have two groups of friends. one group is the one i have known longer but they are not anything like i am and they don't understand me and i could never talk 2 them about anything or they would tell my parents or someone like that. the other group of friends totally understands me and supports me. they would be there no matter what. my parents are now trying to stop me from being friends with the group that understand. i am just really tired of all the acting that i have done and the facade i have been holding up since forever. i just can't do it anymore. i am so ready to just escape from it once and for all. i am just so tired or everything. god i wish i could talk 2 aa she is just soo great. ugh well g2g bye! xoxo! i don't know how much more bull shit i can take!

Breath me by Sia (this is a great song!)

well i know i am stupid but i had to know. well this morning i called my doctor's office. i used *67 so my caller id won't show up and all. then i used this high voice and all and asked the nurse. "um, hi i have a real quick question well i am a minor and i go to dr. " and i have an eating disorder and if dr. " were to find out would she tell my parents?" the nurse was like could u please repeat that. well i was nervous so i said it real fast. then i repeated it. the nurse was like um i really don't know. and she told me to hold on while she went and asked. then the nurse came back and was like um how old r u again? i was like i am more than 14 b/c if she knew my actual age than it would be easier for the doc to know. then the nurse was like yes she would need to tell ur parents. i was like thank u and hung up! shit this means there is no way i can let my doc ever find out. this means i have to make up something so she will not suspect i have an eating disorder. okay so i am just laying my thoughts out so it is very confusing if anyone is trying to read it and make sense. okay: well dr. s is kind of guessing i might have an ed. she made me get a chest x-ray, a blood test, a sonograph. these are used to test for an ed. also she said my thyroid levels are 1.5 which means i might have hyperthyroid like my mom. then she checked for that and found that i don't have one and i don't have any organ problems in my stomach. well that means that there are no physical reasons for my weight loss. okay this means that i have to blame it on stress. then dr. s will probably be like that might cause u to lose ur appetite but still it is dangerous for u. u need to force ur self to eat b/c ur bones will have problems if u don't eat properly. but using stress will still give her a doubt about an ed but she still won't actually know anything so i will be safe for now. she will probably want to check up on me once in a while but stress will work for now.

there are several stories i can use for what is causing my stress:
1) friends fighting and me being stuck in between
2) me having a major fight with a friend (this is a lie)
3) friend in georgia having an ed and is very depressed (this is a lie and very ironic to me but it will help me get more info about what doctors will do if they find out about stuff)
4) all my friends having issues and are leaning on me and all these classes and i just haven't been as      hungry and just stressed and burned out
5) i could just use a comb of these things and just say that when i am stressed out that i don't have a good  appetite and that i get nauseous and can't eat too much, also i could complain about how my stomach hurts if i eat like i normally do. i can lie really convincingly but i am scared i will be

these will likely work and help me get out of the scrutinizing gaze of my doc who totally suspects my ed. wow thank god stress is a great excuse. however this will only work for a month or two at the most. maybe this will be enough time to reach my goal of 85, but then i will have to try to stop myself from losing more for a short time eough to convince my doc that i am fine and won't lose anymore. i mean if i go in and am like 85 then the second time i go i have to make sure i am 85 as well then i won't have to go for a few months and i can lose in that time again and blame it on school and work and no time to eat. i usually make up stuff as i go but this needs more planning and work so pretty much all my thoughts are down on here mostly. shit did i mention that i am like 90.5 lbs. just need to lose 5.5 lbs and i reach my goal. i am doing a different verison of the 2468. i am doing 258 or something strange like that. i need to eat 800 calories today. wow that is like a lot. i need to convince myself to stick to it. i usually freak out near the end and purge but i will not this time. i have had like 65 calories so far. i am going to have 100 more right now. than i am going to get ready and visit my friend who just came back from vacation. okay i need to lose quickly b/c school ppens in amonth and i need to go shopping for clothes so i need to be in the 80s soon. i also want to be in perfect shape for school. i have a lot of work to do. so i am going to do 2468 for rest of the week than i am going to eat less than 300 calories and burn up to 150% or more of what i eat. this will hopefully let me lose quite a few calories. shit my dad is coming home this weekend. why can't he stay another week or even a month. he makes me feel pathetic and depressed so much. seriously i sewar i wouldn't even have any problems if it weren't for him and his bipolar. i know i am horrib;e but he just tries to put me down just to make my sis feel better. i know, what the fuck! my parents don't understand how much i pretend just to make them happy. how much i do for them and shit. well i have dance today and i stink so i just don't want to go! ugh! why am i so horrible at everything i freaking try to do. okay well all this talk is not helping me figure out what to do about my doc finding out about my ed. if i use one of the reasons for my stress as being my friend who moved to georgia having and ed and i am worried about. i could say that i chat with her and that i was really close to her. she told me recently about her ed and that she is very depressed. also i could say that i have tried to support her and tried to get her to at least tell her doc but she doesn't want her parents to know so she hasn't told her doc. then i am going to ask my doc if she knows whether a doc has to tell her parents and all. this will help me figrue out if there is anyway the doc won't tell my parents. this is a total lie but it will mostly work. wow i really am good at something and that is lying. okay well i got to get rady to pick up my sis and meet my friend. bye! lol why i am saying bye to my journal! wish me luck in my attempt to cover up everything. ugh i hate this!

okay well i am like 92 or less, but still i want to be 85 not a fucking 90. well my friends and i went to hurricane harbour and all these fucking skinny people were there and i felt like a huge fatso which i am. i mean i was trying to disappear in the crowd trying to cover myself up so no one would see how fat i am. we were swimming so much and i burned so many calories. but i ate like 2 small slices of pizza, rice, snow cone, ice cream and all this crap but i ate like half of all the things except pizza. but i think i burned it all. well today went by well. i am doing the 2468 and it has gone well so far. i used my stomach ach as an excuse and all i had to eat was a bit of rice so like 60 calories. then a few snacks so like 70 calories. then we went to Cici's for pizza. i am so happy all i had was a salad. i had to eat pizza but i spit it out immediately in the bathroom. i didn't swallow it at all. yay! then my mom was like get a cheese stick and eat it on the way home. so i got one but threw it away at home. so i had like 200 calories about in total. yay! tomorrow is 400 day. i am going to eat jello. also i made cake today but didn't eat much at all. i got there cereal sticks for 46 calories each and they are soo good. well i also did dance today so i burned like 100 calories. i am going to hula hoop for 20 min so i burn 200 calories. yay! maybe longer i want to burn more than i eat everyday. i need to be 88 by end of july! did i mention that i need to not want to! well i am soo tired from yesterday's swimming and all that i slept 3 hours today. i am also going to the gym tom for a few hours. i am going to run a mile or 2. then do the elliptical for 30 to 45 min. then i am going to just do a few weights. well i am going to wait till my mom sleeps before i hula hoop. i have karen dillards tom and i finished the home work so i am good for now. dad is coming back friday and we might go to yellow stone national park with a few families later on. i can't wait!